If You Only Knew
by Rated-R-For-Randomness
Summary: Sequel to 'All You Leave Behind.' They had found each other once more, but let their feelings stay hidden. Decisions have to be made before the trip down the aisle... and they aren't between the bride and groom. Jeff/OC?
1. I Breathe You In Again

**A.N. - Update number two in three days! Pretty amazing given I should be doing my term paper. Yet this was so much more fun to write. The next chapter of "Confessions" has almost written itself as well and might be up in the next few days. But back to this story... the sequel to "All You Leave Behind." While "Building Castles on Quicksand" will be a long project, this will be another few-shot. I hated ending the story the way I did, but didn't know what else to do. I still don't really know where I am going to go with this, but I figured I should start it and see where it goes. So, normal disclaimer - I don't own the WWE and its Superstars. Thanks to all the readers. This is for you! :-)**

* * *

"So what was all that about?"

I was so lost in my own thoughts that Alex's question went unanswered. I didn't even know how to answer it because I couldn't come up with an accurate answer myself. I had never expected to see Jeff today nor had I thought that any of the feelings that were bubbling inside me for so long would have resurfaced. As much as I didn't want to admit it, _they had_. How could I get over something I never had? It was a question that I feared had no answer. I felt as though some part of me would always long for him… and I wasn't about to tell my soon to be husband that. So I did the only thing I could think of – I played ignorant.

"Huh?"

Alex looked away from the road to give me a curious glance. We were taking the long road trip back up to New England as we still had a lot of last minute details to get fully cemented before the actual ceremony. Yet looking in his eyes at that moment, I wasn't surprised when I realized that the wedding was the last thing on his mind. He knew that I had heard his question and also knew that I wasn't asleep or really listening to the radio. He needed to listen to some baseball game and thus the annoying sound of the play by play announcer's voice was little comfort or solace for my troubles.

"You and Jeff?" he clarified with a genuine smile. He might have been inquisitive, but he wasn't jealous. He had no clue that there was any reason for that state of mind to come into play. "Things looked a little… oh I don't know – _tense_ maybe?"

"Well what would you expect after almost ten years of not speaking?" I answered with a question of my own. Yet I didn't expect a response to my query. I just wanted to avoid giving_ him_ an answer.

"Guess you're right," he murmured, turning his eyes finally back to the traffic on the highway. I knew from his tone that he wasn't about to give up on the encounter that he witnessed a few hours ago. I only had a few fleeting moments to think up some sort of excuse or explanation. I feared that I wouldn't be able to come up with anything but the truth. "But still… if you are truly as close as you said you once were, shouldn't the relationship have held up?"

Alex knew about my past friendship with Jeff. I hinted once that I might have wanted more out of the relationship with my young friend, but it didn't connect. Alex wasn't dimwitted – he just could be naïve at times. I kept up with the Hardys' professional careers, but could never get myself to know anymore about their personal lives even though the information was out there. I knew that they had their own internet show where the general public could get a closer glimpse at their world. Yet I could never bring myself to watch even a second and solely for the feelings that were coming out now. I was no longer a part of that world and didn't want to be. I was happy with my life now. It was as close to perfect as I was ever going to come.

"Maybe it was because I wanted more from him than I could ever have gotten," I whispered, not caring if he heard me. The truth was better than anything I could have come up with. I didn't want to start my martial relationship off with lies as much as I told myself I should.

"Is he the guy?" he asked softly. I didn't understand what he meant when I turned to look at the profile of his face inquisitively. "The one you were always holding out hope for?"

He didn't need a verbal answer. He saw my eyes widen in shock and my lips slightly part in amazement. I guess I didn't give him enough credit. I tried to find my voice, but it just came out as gulps of air. I wanted to tell the truth, but I didn't expect him to know all about it. I wanted everything out in the open yet at the same time just between myself and my own subconscious. These doubling feelings merged into the out in the open confession that I wished I could take back. I didn't want to ruin a relationship that truly had a chance to bloom.

"You having second thoughts about us?" he asked while I was still lost in my own regret.

"What? No! No, not at all, baby," I exclaimed as quickly as I could. My voice found its strength when there was a chance of losing the man I loved. I couldn't lose Alex. Truth be told, he was all I had in the world now. "Jeff is in my past. I've left him and my feelings for him in Cameron."

I tried being honest and it caused doubt to creep into the relationship. Doubt was the enemy here, not my feelings for Jeff. And if small, little, white lies were the only thing that could kill the doubt, so be it. I wanted this… at least, I wanted to _believe_ that I did.

"All I want is you and to become Mrs. Alex Reynolds," I stated with a smile, reaching out to take his left hand from the steering wheel. I brought it to my lips and lightly kissed the skin along his knuckles. He truly was a great man… and I did love him. But there was just something missing – some intangible that I couldn't find in any relationship.

"'Cause I don't want there to be any regrets, you know?" he said, his doubtful, curious, tone not wavering even after my action and declaration of love. "I care for you too much. I don't want to be your second choice."

"You aren't, Alex," I said, letting his hand fall out of my grasp as I tried to convince him of my genuine intentions. I wasn't sure that it was coming across that way. I knew it wasn't in my mind. I looked out of the passenger window at the trees rushing by. Life moves on and I would as well. "You aren't."

"I love you, Natalie."

Those three little words… what I wouldn't give for the man speaking those words to be a sweet enigma of a southern boy with bright blue hair. But I knew when I turned around, that I would find brown hair instead of blue, blue eyes instead of green. And that was exactly what I found. I had to learn to be okay with it. I learned to live without any association with Jeff for years, but it seemed as now something changed.

"I love you too," I said tenderly, leaning over to capture his lips in a chaste kiss.

We pulled away with smiles on our faces. His eyes lingered on my own for a few moments before turning back to the road. After several minutes, I could tell that he had gone back to paying attention to the game on the radio. I used this opportunity to try and think about the position I was in. I was in love with someone who I used to consider my other half. Now, it could be said that I didn't even know him and was no longer a part of his world. I had my own life and was _happily _engaged to a wonderful guy. Any positive superlative in the dictionary could be used to describe Alex and I considered myself lucky. We had mutual friends and some similar tastes. We could argue with the best of them, but always made up in the end. Our relationship was practically perfect before I visited Cameron. Now, I could feel a tear beginning to form. I would need a really big roll of duct tape to fix the split if Alex's mind became too suspicious.

"So I was just thinking …" Alex exclaimed causing me to jump from my seat in surprise of hearing anything but the drone of the game. "Why don't you invite him to the wedding?"

"_Him_, who?" I asked, knowing that I was coming across too ignorant. I just wanted to try and get the point across that he was not on my mind.

"Jeff."

"Are you mental?" I asked rhetorically, laughing at the ludicrousness of his inquiry. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Because he is one of your oldest friends?" he pondered hastily, catching me off guard. I had expected him to just drop the subject when he saw I was not keen on the idea. "I would think that you would want him there."

"We were friends once upon a time," I explained, not wanting the subject of Jeff Hardy to leave the car with us. This needed to be settled now before it became too emblazoned in both of our minds. "I don't know him anymore."

"Yes, you do," he reasoned, nodding his head to further his argument. "I think you're just scared of what you'll find if you really look hard enough."

I knew what I would find… hell, I had already found it. But the prospect of Alex even suggesting it was driving me insane. Did he even want to get married? Why would he want Jeff there? He didn't know him. I showed no interest in wanting his presence, but he just wouldn't let it die.

"Are you trying to ruin our marriage before it even starts?" I asked incredulously. "'Cause if so, you are doing a _hell _of a job."

"I am just trying to make our day as special as possible," he reasoned.

_Our day_… this was about us, not Jeff. Yet it looked like neither of us believed that anymore. So if he wanted everything out on the table, fine by me. I was ready to take whatever tomorrow would bring.

"Then why invite the one man who could ruin it?"

* * *

"What's wrong Jeffro?"

I paid the shorter blond no heed as I pushed him aside, dropping my keys unceremoniously on the kitchen counter. I was in no mood for company of any kind. I needed some alone time. I tried spending it at the old hideaway, but there were just too many emotions held in the place. I couldn't stay as long as I wanted to, but I took something with me. I memorized every mark of graphite on the small piece of paper – how she dotted the "I" in her name with a lopsided heart, how amazing our two names looked together on the same page. The messy yet still legible handwriting of a preteen was still running circles through my brain and seemingly burned behind my retinas.

_In my future, I Natalie Carter, hope to marry Jeff Hardy. _How was I supposed to even move passed that? The girl I longed for felt the same – or at least _did_. And I let her go… I let her just walk right out of my life without any pomp and circumstance. I knew I couldn't do anything now. I wasn't about to follow her to Boston… too cliché. And I knew that she wouldn't come back to Cameron any time soon –at least not before the wedding… that would be another lame overused and non believable _cliché_. This was reality… and my life was not about to become a bad romantic comedy from cable television.

"Hey man, what happened to you?" Shannon asked as he took in my frazzled demeanor. "Last night, you were counting the minutes to sunrise."

"Yeah well… things change," I retorted curtly, turning toward the refrigerator to grab a beer.

I needed something to calm me down. As I swung the door open and reached for the brown glass bottle, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Thinking that it was just Shannon, I shrugged it off and pulled the bottle from its chilly confinement. I turned around and came face to face with my older brother with a confused look on his face.

"Bro, _what happened_?" Matt asked in a concerned tone.

I looked over his shoulder and saw Shannon slink out of the room giving the two of us some privacy. Yet I knew him too well. There was no doubt in my mind that he was right around the corner listening to every word. I set the unopened bottle on the counter and motioned my head upwards. He nodded his head and the two of us silently made our way over to the stairs to the room that Beth and I were calling our own at the moment.

"…tomorrow? Uh-huh… sure, that sounds great!"

Matt and I both entered the room and watched as Beth paced the room with her cell phone attached to her ear. I sighed nosily which caused her attention to shift to us two newcomers. She smiled causing feelings of guilt to surface. I hadn't done anything wrong, but the way I was acting it sure felt like I did.

"Hey hun, Jeff's here so I'll call you back later to finalize everything. Love you too! Bye," Beth said, finishing up her conversation before flipping her phone shut. She glided over to me and pressed her lips to mine in a tender kiss.

"Hey," I murmured when we pulled back, instinctively wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Hey baby," she responded cheerily, her positive energy almost too much for me to take. She brought her arms up to rest on my shoulders, a few of her fingers lightly playing with strands of my hair falling near my eyes. I laughed slightly yet most of the noise died in my throat. I looked over as Matt sat down on the edge of the bed, reminding me of the whole reason I was up here to begin with.

"Uh… do you think I could have a minute alone with Matt?" I asked, letting a small smile grace my lips.

"Sure, no problem," she replied yet relinquishing the slight hold she had on me. "Is Shan still downstairs?"

"Yeah," I muttered, trying to look anywhere but her eyes. She brought her hand underneath my chin and brought my gaze back to her own. She leaned up and kissed me once more. Yet before she could try and deepen it, I pulled back. I motioned my head over to Matt with a grin and she just laughed. She walked passed me and out of the door. I kicked it shut lightly with my heel.

"Alright now that we are alone – spill," Matt said, as I took over for Beth, pacing lightly across the floor.

I didn't know if I should just come right out and say it or work up to the real news. I tried to go over all of the possible scenarios in my head, but was halted when Matt rose from his seat, grabbing my shoulders, forcing me to stay still. I took a deep breath and decided to just get it all out. This _was_ Matt, I was talking to.

"I saw Nattie today," I mumbled, trying to make it seem as if it wasn't that big of a deal.

"You're kidding me?" Matt exclaimed, pushing me away slightly in surprise. So much for it not being a big deal. "Fuck, was it planned?"

"On my part, I guess," I continued, finding my voice, allowing me to talk a little louder and clearer. "She's selling her old house so I set up a meeting to look at the place, you know? Figured it was the best way to get back in touch. Never really came to be as I had planned 'cause I saw her beforehand and…"

"And?" Matt asked, breaking my rambling. I didn't know if I would be able to get that much out again. "You tell her?"

"About my fucking childhood crush?" I asked defiantly, knowing that_ that_ had to be what my brother was alluding to. Whenever Nattie's name came up the past few years, it was only to talk about the 'what if's' I still carried around with me about the relationship we never had. "Hell no!"

"I think we both know that it was and _still is_ a little more than that," he said, giving me that brotherly stare that I knew too well.

I pushed him back so he fell back into a sitting position on the mattress. Fuck, I needed that beer… or a cigarette… or something to appease my rampant nerves and take the edge off. I shuffled my feet, kicking at the dirty clothes on the carpet, thinking of how to continue. I silently thanked Matt for staying quiet. I needed to do this my own way.

"I met her fiancé," I vocalized after a few minutes of silence between us.

"Seriously? What's he like?" he asked.

For the first time, I thought about what Matt might be feeling. Nattie wasn't as close with him as she was with me, but that didn't say much. The two of us were inseparable most of the time, but Matt and Nattie still were close. She was like the little sister he never had.

"Seems nice, I guess," I said with a shrug of my shoulders. "Not much to say. We only spent a few minutes together."

"So that's it?" he asked, looking at my inquisitively. "Bro, I know there has to be more. I haven't seen you this down since March... and that's saying something."

I didn't know that my feelings were that visible. Hopefully, it was just Matt that could tell. But Shannon knew something was up which means… _Beth_. I sighed, knowing that I was definitely going to have some explaining to do.

"Maybe it's because I realized that I might… " I stopped speaking and pulled the slightly yellowed paper from my jean pocket. I straightened it out and stared at the handwriting once more, not like I really need to. "Remember that memory box the three of us made?"

"Sure. But what… " I stifled my brother's reply by passing the piece of paper to him. He looked it over and I saw his eyes widen in surprise. "Shit, bro. I don't even know what to say."

"You think she was joking?" I asked, hoping that Matt's answer would help me get over something I could never have.

"She never had that much of a sense of humor and was pretty young, but I don't know, man," he answered, never taking his eyes off of the paper. He looked up at me with a small, sad smile. "Damn… I'm speechless when it comes to this."

He reached out and handed the paper back to me. I accepted it, looking down at it once more.

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked, hoping for some real, honest brotherly advice. "She's getting married in a week and…"

"Hold your horses, Romeo," Matt interrupted, rising from mattress to look me straight in my eyes. "You haven't seen her in years. You aren't the same two kids that hid your seemingly _mutual _feelings for each other. I mean, did she bring it up?"

"No," I muttered dejectedly, knowing but not wanting to admit that he was right. "I called her on her feelings for Shannon though. Nothing really said between us about that one either."

"Well then it was probably just a school girl crush. She had one on me too, remember?"

"Yeah and about that – I hate to burst your bubble but I don't think…" I stopped speaking, watching as he gestured for me to continue. I couldn't tell him that his past recollections were probably all based on lies or mistruths. I wanted him to keep the memories he had untainted. Too bad I couldn't say the same in my situation. "Oh never mind; it's not important. I need to stop all this reflection shit. If I learned anything the past few months it is that the future has to be brighter."

I pushed away from him and walked over to the window. If I looked hard enough, I could see Nattie and I running about as kids. I could see her blonde hair, her beautiful innocent eyes… Fuck, I was doing it again! I needed to get all of this out of my mind. Think about the _future_ – not the _past_.

"Now the next time you say it, actually try and believe it," Matt murmured, coming to stand right behind me. I caught the reflection of his eyes in the pane of glass. "You don't deserve this, but even more so what about the life you have here? What about Beth?"

"She has nothing to do with this," I retorted hastily, holding his gaze in the window. He just shook his head, knowing that I was trying to hide the gravity of my mixed up thoughts.

"Oh, no? You two have been through so much especially these past few months," he said with a frustrated sigh. "Let the past stay buried where it belongs."

I turned around with a stunned expression on my face. That was exactly what Nattie had told me less than a few hours ago. It had to be a sign of some sort. It was the same exact phrase... the same wording. Matt patted my shoulder in an encouraging manner before heading toward the door, swinging it open, and leaving. I guess he figured that there was little more he could say. I wasn't ready to see the truth of the situation. I didn't want to see it. I just wanted to live in the past a little while longer. So much for _no more reflecting_.

I watched as the sun began to make its descent from the heavens. I wondered where Nattie was – if she was just as fucked up as I was at the moment. It was the week before her wedding. I hoped that she wasn't having any doubts. Well… _the friend_ in me hoped she wasn't. The repressed side… I didn't want to think about it anymore.

I walked over to the bed and fell upon the mattress. I stared up at the ceiling blankly before shutting my eyes. I just had to put her from my mind. That was all I could do now. I felt the mattress shift next to me. I didn't open my eyes as the newcomer straddled my form leaning down to press a light kiss to my lips. Blonde hair, blue eyes... _Nattie_.

"You okay?"

_Beth_. Her voice brought me back to the present. I opened my eyes and smiled up at my girlfriend. Matt was right – we had been through hell and back together. I wasn't about to throw that away for a stupid crush.

"Just tired," I lied, never letting the smile falter from my lips.

"You want me to leave?" she asked.

I knew that she meant "_leave and let you sleep_." But that wasn't what my mind heard… no, I heard the other connotation of the question. Did I really want her to _leave_? Could I just walk away? Beth was my rock. She was there for me when I couldn't even support myself. I went to trace my fingers along her arms and noticed that the paper was still enclosed in my right hand. I stole a glance at the paper before looking back at the woman above me.

I leaned up to capture her lips in a fervent kiss. I brought my left hand up and held her close to me as I felt her lips part. I continued to passionately show her what she meant to me without giving her a vocal answer. I couldn't because I honestly didn't know. What was wrong with me? Why was I about to fuck up the best thing in my life for something that was so uncertain? I slid the paper into my pocket once more. I couldn't let go just yet, no matter how much my head was telling me I should.

My heart would not let go of the girl I once knew yet still loved.


	2. Just To Feel You Underneath My Skin

**A.N. - Normal disclaimer - I don't own Jeff Hardy or any of his family members. Wow - It's been a hell of a long time! So sorry, but so much has been going on in my life (and a few of my laptop's keys broke off, but no sense dwelling on that). Thanks a million to the readers and reviewers!! _Hatter-Zombie, BournePriceless54, HardyxGirl, RatedRCouture, I'mxAxRockstar, WWE Creative_ - you guys rock my world. Updates for this and "Quicksand" should be much more frequent (even more so if I can get over the heartbreak from tonight's PPV). Happy reading!!**

* * *

Thursday July 9, 2008:  
_9:45 AM…_

"Don't worry! I will get this closed!"

I watched in dull boredom as my friends fretted around in their newly arrived bridesmaid's gowns. The navy blue, full length strapless gowns were scheduled to arrive weeks ago, but a mix up at the tailor caused panic… well, _panic _among my friends. As of now, I could care less about the whole ceremony and all that was left to do. Everything was becoming such a bother and I just wanted to get it over with. Only three more days… it couldn't come soon enough.

"Natalie! Help me!"

I glanced up from the magazine I was reading and watched as Paige struggled with the zipper on the side of the chest of the dress. She was trying to get the two sides to meet, but there was just too little fabric. I sighed as I figured months ago that this would happen. She wouldn't listen to me, not that I was all that surprised. Paige and I met in California during my undergraduate education at Berkley. She was going to a community college, but hung out with some people from my school. We met at a party one night and instantly hit it off. I never really had many girlfriends growing up (actually I think I could count on one finger the amount). Her overly feminine personality was a switch from everything I knew and loved in Cameron. Maybe that was another reason I maintained our friendship.

"How can I help? You were the one who wanted them to take the chest in an inch," I said idly, going back to focus on the magazine in my grasp. She groaned and I could see her struggling once again with the garment above the pages of the periodical.

"This is definitely more than an inch," she said through gritted teeth.

"Paige, you have a big enough rack to begin with," Haley remarked snidely, coming over and trying to get the dress fastened. "What was with the need for an alteration?"

"Shut up, Haley! You're just jealous."

I groaned inwardly at the scene that was about to be enacted. It was quite common in my circle of friends as Haley and Paige never saw eye to eye. They were totally different people with only our friendship in common. Unlike Paige, I didn't meet Haley until after graduate school. I was settling down with my life in Boston. We both lived in the same apartment complex and met randomly one day. After a few more chance meetings, we began a solid friendship that is still going strong. It also helped that her best friend happened to be my fiancé.

"Of what? Your silicone?"

Oh no, this was not going to end well.

"They are not fake!" Paige screeched while Haley continued to work the zipper slowly over the other woman's curves.

"Are too."

"_Are not_!"

I threw down the magazine I was idly flipping through in frustration. My friends paid me no heed and continued their bickering. I was used to this type of behavior, but I needed to get out of there. Everything was just feeling a little off center. I didn't even feel like this was all for my own wedding… for more than one reason. Alex and I just got back in the area a few hours ago and the events of yesterday were not far from my mind. I tried to block _him_ out… tried to just focus on my future. But _he_ was still there, stuck in my mind. Damn Jeff Hardy!

Alex barely made it out of the car alive. He knows that I love him, but wouldn't lay off of the questions dealing with Jeff. I had to feign sleep just to get him to shut up. Luckily, as soon as we arrived home to our shared apartment, he was too tired to say anything more. He had spent thirteen hours driving the whole trip up the coast, refusing to stop for a hotel. So, his current disposition was cranky, irritable, and I knew he was not finished grilling me about my past. Needless to say, I really didn't want to head home. Damn teachers and their summer breaks!

I grabbed my purse and stood from my seat. Paige and Haley were still verbally sparring with each other and I contemplated just slipping out without giving a farewell. But no matter what my current disposition was, I still needed to put on a good show. I just needed time to sort my head out and then I would be fully committed in my relationship with Alex. That's all I needed… _time._

"Guys, I think I'm going to head home," I meekly said, watching as neither girl paid me any heed. "Hales… Paige?"

They just carried on like the drama queens that they could be. I guess I was wrong – they did have _something_ in common. I waited a few more moments, hoping that they would notice my impending departure. _Nope._

"Hey!" I shouted, finally having enough of the childish back and forth that showed no signs of letting up. They both turned to me, shocked by my outburst. "I'm gonna head on home."

"But Nat – we still have so much to do," Haley said, gesturing to the reception favors and vases that needed to be made up for Sunday's ceremony.

"I know, but… I just need some sleep," I lied, throwing in a faux yawn for more of an effect. Neither girl seemed to buy it, yet I still headed toward the door of Paige's apartment.

"Nattie, wait!"

I stopped short. Even though the voice belonged to my bubbly blonde friend, in my head the sound did not resemble Paige's tone. It was deeper, smoother, with a soothing southern twang. I closed my eyes and could picture him in front of me. Why wouldn't these feelings go away?

"Don't call me that," I muttered, grasping the doorknob in front of me to keep me physically strong. My emotional resolve was crumbling and there was nothing that would stop it.

"What?" Paige asked softly. "Nattie, I didn't hear what you…"

"Don't' call me that!" I shouted, turning around to face both of my shocked friends. I felt the first few tears slip from my eyes and I quickly brought my hand up to brush them away. "I need to go lie down."

I quickly spun around and threw the door open, hastily exiting the room. I heard both of my friends come into the hallway as I exited the complex. I heard their pleas for me to come back and try to work things through. There was no need. I wasn't going to get any solace in there. They couldn't and wouldn't understand. My heart was breaking and I didn't know why.

I was in love with Alex, wasn't I?

* * *

_11:43 AM…_

I blearily opened my eyes and was immediately blinded by the light shining through the open window's blinds. Groaning, I turned my head to look at the LED screen of the clock on the end table… 11:43 AM. Damn, it was late, but I guess I needed the rest. I noticed the empty spot next to me on the mattress, running my fingers along the fabric where Beth could have been. My stroking was halted when my fingertips reached paper. I grasped the note in my hand, unfolding it and hazily reading its contents.

_Went to lunch with Shane and Talia.  
You looked like you needed the rest so I let you sleep.  
Hope you don't mind… Call me when you get up.  
XOXO – Beth_

I frowned and crumpled the note, tossing it into a pile of clutter on the ground. I didn't even know we had a lunch date scheduled. Or maybe Beth never told me? Either way, I didn't really care. Shane wouldn't mind if I wasn't there. And I doubted I would be good company anyway. Too distracted…

I rolled out of bed and stretched my still slightly asleep limbs. Looking at my reflection in the mirror on the wall, I noticed I was still dressed in yesterday's clothes. Everything began to drift back through my mind once more and my fingers subconsciously went to my pant pocket, fingering the frayed edge of paper they found. So much for a good night's sleep to clear my head.

I went about my morning routine in a monotonous haze. For some reason, I didn't have the drive to do anything today. In two days, I was back on the road with the Smackdown brand. I should've been enjoying the down time. But I couldn't… because of what I knew was about to happen a thousand miles to my north.

_Nattie…_ even the soothing warm shower couldn't get her to leave my mind. Both she and Matt were right when they said that I should just leave the past buried and move on. Yet what if I didn't want it to be my past? Everything that Beth did yesterday just reminded me of how she wasn't Nattie. I had never done a mental comparison before – never saw a reason to. Nattie was _just_ my friend. I wouldn't let myself hope for anything more. And when we drifted apart, there was no need. I had Beth and that was all the love I needed.

Now – I didn't know what I wanted, but I certainly could compare the two. Beth's almost perfect. Everyone loves her and I am lucky to have her in my life. But is our love really _true_? We have been dating for ten years and thus it would seem to be so. She was more than just a girlfriend. We were so past that. But should I be this hung up on a girl from my past? Blonde hair versus brown… blue eyes to hazel. A sweet southern girl who meant the world to me… but _she's not you, Nattie. She'll never be you._

I pulled my shirt over my head and looked at my reflection in the mirror that hung on the wall. More refreshed, new set of clothes, _still emotionally comatose_. I walked over to the pile of dirty clothes, picked them up, and went to place them in the overstuffed hamper. Yet before I let them go, my nimble fingers slyly retrieved the note from my jean pocket. It wasn't like I needed to be covert; no one was around to view my weakness. It was as if my mind knew what I was internally thinking was wrong. Nevertheless, I replaced the note in my new pair of jeans and dropped the clothes onto the overflowing pile.

"Matt!"

There was no answer. I yelled again, exiting the room, but silence was my only response. I walked down the stairs to the main level of the house. No older brother in sight. I stuck my head down the stairway to the basement, but heard no noise. I looked around for a note… nothing. Whatever – it's not like he had to check in with me whenever he left (even though it was a task I normally had to do with him).

I walked into the central living room, thinking of how to bide my free time. I wasn't in the mood to paint or write. Motocross was a possibility, but I really didn't feel like heading over near the construction site. Reading? Would never be able to concentrate on the words in front of me. Bother Shannon? He was actually trying to get work done today. So that left me with nothing to do but wallow in my own thoughts. _Great…_

As I started to head toward the kitchen to grab a late breakfast, I stopped to stare at the shelf full of photographs Matt had adorning one wall. Family photos, party photos… same old, same old. But one frame specifically caught my eye – the small dusty silver frame that was leaning on the wall, behind the multiple recent or more cherished frames. I reached over the rest and grasped the long forgotten picture. I brought it to me and wiped the dust from the glass pane, smiling at what was buried underneath.

It was Nattie's high school graduation… well, the after party anyway. It was a group picture - my father, Matt, Shannon, her mother, but my eyes were drawn explicitly to the two of us. I hadn't seen this photo in so long that I had forgotten all about it. Even before all of my personal items were destroyed in the fire, I never spent much time looking back on my past. I sort of wished I had when I actually was able to. I pushed the negative thoughts away and concentrated on our two images captured forever in time.

The two of us were not concentrating on the camera like the others in the frame. We were looking at each other. She was twirling a flower in her fingers – an orchid that I had given to her a few minutes prior. Her eyes – or at least the one I could see from her pose – held so much in them. I couldn't believe I never noticed before. And I was looking down at her with the same emotions brewing behind my irises. My blond hair was tied in a loose knot with some tendrils spilling over to the planes of my face. I remember the moment right after the flash went off – she reached up and pushed the hair away and behind my ear._ "Your eyes are too beautiful to hide."_ Why didn't I see it before?

"About time you got up."

I jumped, slightly startled by the gruff voice belonging to my father. I hadn't even heard him come in. I pulled my gaze from the photo in my hand to look at him as he strolled into the room. He gave me a questioning glance, gesturing to the frame in my grasp. I sighed, passing it into my father's outstretched hand. He wiped a large hand over it, probably taking care of the rest of the dust. I watched as a small smile formed on his lips.

"I heard you saw her yesterday," he said. Yet before I could enquire the source of the information (even though I was almost positive I knew on my own), he continued speaking. "Matt told me."

"He tell you anything else?" I asked, trying to keep any annoyance from my tone. Matt better have kept his mouth shut about our private conversation. I didn't need my father to know about my mixed and muddled emotions.

"Is there something to tell?" he asked, answering my question with one of his own. I hated that, but I knew that in this case, it was fair game.

"Not really," I answered with a sigh.

He nodded his head, handing the frame back to me. I spared one more glance at her image and placed it back on the shelf. It didn't belong in the back and I placed it in a predominant position on the wood. I turned back to my father as he studied me silently.

"How's she doing?" he asked after a few reflective moments of silence.

"Good, I guess," I said with a shrug. I didn't really learn much about her current life from our conversation yesterday. I just learned that old feelings never really die. "Getting married."

"I'm the one who told you that, remember," my father said with a brief smile and hearty chuckle. I didn't share his lighthearted feelings and it didn't go unnoticed.

"Yeah, I remember," I mumbled, briefly glancing over my shoulder at the picture once more. I couldn't try and pretend to happy for her. I knew deep in my heart that it was wrong. She couldn't be happy… I didn't want to believe it.

"Son…" I turned to my father once more and saw the serious expression his face held. "What's wrong?"

What to do, what to do... my father was my stable rock. He and my brother helped me through the worst times of my life and were there to celebrate the best. Matt didn't understand my feelings for Nattie. I think it was because of the heartache that he suffered in the past. There was no way I would wish that on anyone. I would never do that to Beth. I loved and respected her too much. But where did that leave Nattie?

"I miss her," I said, deciding to confide in my old man. He knew more about Nattie's present life than I did. Maybe he could help. "More than I should."

"You've had years to reconnect and you choose the week of her wedding," he muttered with a shake of his head. He didn't need to tell me that the timing sucked. I was all too aware.

"I didn't know that all of these feelings would come out," I said truthfully. He continued to subconsciously shake his head, but I pressed on. "I just want my friend back."

"Are you sure that's all you want?" he asked. _Of course not,_ but I didn't really want to admit it aloud. I couldn't. I had my own life here in Cameron that I did not want to see destroyed. "I've known for quite some time about the 'feelings' you've held for her. I never said anything because it wasn't my place."

He knew? He couldn't have. Well, yeah – I guess it was possible. I was too blind to notice anything back then. I wished he would have told me.

"Then why mention it now?" I asked curiously.

"Because… is she happy?" he asked, once again not truly answering my own query.

"Who?" I replied like the smartass I could be. My father did not find it at all amusing and I quickly answered him. "I don't know."

"She always was special, wasn't she?" he said, walking past me to stare at the photograph on the shelf himself. "And not just to you – to all of us. But it seems like she has moved on."

He went to walk away, but I couldn't let the conversation die. I needed to know more. I craved it. I was hoping to find some peace of mind and knew that there was only one way that that would happen. If he knew about how I felt, maybe…

"Did you know? About her feelings for me?" I asked hopefully. He saw my expression and heard the change in my tone. The small smile returned to his lips.

"I suspected… like I said, not my place," he stated gruffly, but he knew that I was not about to let up.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked honestly. It came out more pleading than I would have liked, but it seemed to affect the old man.

"When was I supposed to do that? When you and Beth were falling in love? When Natalie left Cameron for Boston?" he ranted, trying to shake me from my delusional thinking. It wasn't working. "It was in the past, son."

"But I don't want it to be!" I exclaimed before my brain could fully process what I was saying. I stopped and thought about my next words carefully. I knew what I needed to do. "I love her, pop. I really _love_ her."

"You don't know her anymore," he said dismissively.

Still I know he saw the determination in my eyes. He knew that I wasn't going to give up. I needed to at least see her again. I needed to try and see if I could find the girl I knew once upon a time. Maybe it wouldn't work out, but I wasn't going to let another opportunity slip by. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but I knew that I wanted my future to include Nattie.

"I know enough," I said defiantly. My father chuckled at my intensity and patted me on the shoulder.

"She always was the daughter I never had," he muttered, pulling an envelope from his pocket and placing it into my hand. He started toward the front door. "Tell your brother I need to see him before you two leave for Georgia."

I said goodbye to him and watched as he walked out of the house. He was much more understanding than I thought he would be, especially after what I went through with Matt. My brother wanted me to leave the past behind. My father – well, I wasn't all that sure if he was truly happy about my plan. He loved Beth like a daughter as well. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't hurt her. But who was I kidding? If I followed through with my deepest desires, she would get hurt. Maybe I should just forget about all of this?

I looked down at the envelope my father had handed me. I pulled the letter out and smiled. No, I needed to see this through. It was an invitation to Nattie's wedding. My smile grew even wider as I scanned the contents. It was addressed to a _Mr. Hardy_.

But it didn't say which one.


End file.
